Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2002

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If the other three releases from this weekend (one of which - The Transporter - I finally gave up on) were "not bad, but..." kinda flicks, then White Oleander stands on its own. It couldn't even make it to "not bad, but..." status. THE STORY (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**) Ingrid Magnussen (Michelle Pfeiffer), a wacked-out poet, whacks her Abusive Boyfriend (we'll assume, since he Yelled a lot in those, what, 20 seconds he was on screen) Barry (Billy Connelly) and has to Pay Her Debt To Society - leaving her teenage daughter Astrid (Alison Lohman) a virtual orphan. With no family member available to take care of her, Astrid is forced to go to a series of wacked-out foster homes. Her first stop is a stint with Starr "Obligatory Crazy Christian Trailer Trash" Thomas (Robin Wright Penn) and her boyfriend Ray (Cole Hauser); after that doesn't work out (imagine that!), Astrid winds up in the seemingly normal Hollywood home of Ron (Noah Wyle) and Claire Richards (Renee Zellweger). Somehow, though, the writer and director aren't satisfied, and want Astrid to go through more Angst; they achieve this through the jailed (but yet, somehow still all-powerful) Ingrid's maternal manipulation of both Astrid and Claire, to the point where Astrid decides that No Mommy Is A Good Mommy. THE UPSHOT I don't think I ever remember seeing a movie in which the real story was told completely in flashbacks. Well, yeah, Memento, sure; but that doesn't count. I actually gave a rat's ass about the goings-on in Memento. I reckon I felt about White Oleander pretty much the same way that Diva felt about American Beauty: pardon my Ethnic Insensitivity, but man, these were some crazy frickin' White folks! Every - and I do mean every - turn that each of the characters made in this movie, made absolutely no sense to me. I finally gave up when Astrid, Rebellious (Yet Inwardly Sensitive. You could tell because she hadn't yet pierced her clitoris. Well, I'd imagine that to be the case. There were a few facial areas she hadn't explored, so I reasoned that her clitoris was still intact. Probably a bad assumption on my part. Ooh look, I've digressed again.) Misunderstood Youth that she was, picked the wackiest foster mother she could've ever hoped to find. I actually heard my open mind slam shut at that very moment - likely, making this review as much a waste of time for you, as the movie was for me. If it's any consolation, given what they had to work with, I thought Michelle Pfeiffer, Astrid Magnussen, and Renee Zellweger were at worst adequate and at best ok; and Cole Hauser (son of soap opera staple, Wings) also had a nice but brief turn. Robin Wright Penn, of course, had the "easy", Obligatory Crazy Christian Trailer Trash part - and thus was measurably more interesting to watch. But that's like saying watching paint dry was ok, but the way the painter dipped his brush in the pan, was a wee bit less tedious. Just doesn't seem to get you very far. BAMMER'S BOTTOM LINE White Oleander reeked of being much ado about nothing. WHITE OLEANDER:   back to top And that's the way I see it. Rose "Bams" Cooper 3BlackChicks Review™ Copyright Rose Cooper, 2002 EMAIL: bams@3blackchicks.com    ICQ: 7760005 http://www.3blackchicks.com/