Copyright 1999-2002 3BlackChicks Enterprises™. All Rights Reserved.

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The Diva's review of
The 13th Warrior (2002)

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Viewed at Valley Drive -in
Rated PG; running time of 102 minutes
Genre: Horror/Horrible
Written by: Michael Crichton (novel) William Wisher Jr.
Directed by: John McTiernan
Cast: Antonio Banderas, Diane Venora, Omar Sharif, Vladimir Kulich, Dennis Storhøi, Maria Bonnevie, Mischa Hausserman, Sven Wollter, John DeSantis, Asbjørn Riis

WARNING - SPOILERS BELOW.

The Digest

Antonio Banderas plays a privileged young poet in Baghdad. After falling for a very beautiful and married woman, he is banished from the country to serve as Ambassador to everybody. He travels the land learning about other peoples and tribes and teaching them about Baghdad and the Muslim faith. We aren't given a timeline, but I assume it's the 11th or 12th century.

After being chased by a group of Nomads, he happens across some Norsemen. They begin to have a cultural exchange during which the Norsemen are summoned back home to rid the land of these creatures that can not be named. They consult a medicine woman who tells them that only 13 can go and Antonio must be one of the 13th. So he packs up and heads up north. Now let me pause right here…Ain't no way in the world someone is going tell me I need to go off and fight some monsters and I don't question it. Especially when I don't speak the language. How am I supposed to understand "RUN"? Antonio was like. Hmmm okay. Whatever. Oh I forgot he learns their language in like an hour so he can understand "run!" What-ever.

Here is where it gets corny and cliché. They go there try to save the town and lose a few men. Fight. Lose some more. A few scenes to show that Arabs were technologically advanced. More fights. More losses. Obligatory romp in the sack before he goes off to fight again. Goes to their turf to fight, they lose another one. Go back to town and prepare to fight more. They all begin to pray. Triumphant battle. Another death. End of story.

The Dish

O-Dare most foul. This movie pretty much stunk. The Internet Movie Database has this film listed under Action/Thriller/Horror. Well there ain't no real action, ain't no real thrills and the horror is that this movie didn't go straight to video. I've come to the conclusion that Michael Crichton runs hot or cold. There is no in-between with him. Either it's really good or it's really bad.

It always concerns me when a movie's release date is changed constantly and when they don't start advertising it until a week or so before it comes out. This generally tells me that even the studio knows that it's going to have problems with that particular film. I had a right to be concerned.

I'm not sure what went wrong with this movie. I think part of the problem is that everything was almost good. The entire time I was watching, I kept thinking about how it was just on the edge of being a pretty cool movie. It just never quite got there. It was frustrating. Regardless of how bad I thought it was (and compared to Universal Soldier this movie was Oscar worthy) '13th Warrior' will probably become a cult classic along the same lines as Excalibar and Conan. I just didn't feel it.

The Directive

Antonio is cute as a button and that was it's only saving grace. That and the cameo appearance of Omar Shariff. If I had to do it all over again, I would have waited for it to come out on video. Other than Antonio and Omar, the cast is made up of actors I've never heard of but might be popular in the Netherlands. I seriously wouldn't bother going to this movie.

Editorial Note from the news and entertainment wire on 11/19/03: Omar Quit After Embarrassing Banderas Flop "Movie veteran Omar Sharif was so embarrassed by his role in Antonio Banderas flop The 13th Warrior he quit acting. The Lawrence Of Arabia star was so disappointed with the 1999 movie he decided never to make another film. Sharif, who has only just come out of semi-retirement to film French movie Monsieur Ibrahim, says, "After my small role in The 13th Warrior, I said to myself, 'Let us stop this nonsense, these meal tickets that we do because it pays well.' I thought, 'Unless I find a stupendous film that I love and that makes me want to leave home to do, I will stop.' Bad pictures are very humiliating, I was really sick. It is terrifying to have to do the dialogue from bad scripts, to face a director who does not know what he is doing, in a film so bad that it is not even worth exploring."

Now please stop mailing me about this movie. It makes no sense that 4 years after the damn thing came out, I'm still getting funky mail. Y'all need to get a life.
Red

Stay home and watch the WWF. The only difference is; they don't fight with swords


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Copyright Kamal "The Diva" Larsuel-Ulbricht, 1999-2002
EMAIL: thediva@3blackchicks.com
ICQ: 8690410
http://www.3blackchicks.com/

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More 3BlackChicks™ review(s) for this week:
(movies released on 8/27/99):
The Diva's reviews:
The 13th Warrior In Too Deep Dudley Do Right

Bams' reviews:
The Muse


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