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The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc (1999) WARNING - SPOILERS BELOW.
The Digest
This review is going to be fairly short.
The King of France and The King of England signed a treaty. The terms
stated that when The King of France died, The King of England would
rule both England and France. The problem is that they both died with
in a few weeks of each other, leaving the monarchy to an infant English
king. France wasn't having it. So began the war. England was kicking
France's butt. The French was disillusioned and moral was low.
Meanwhile, little Joan is running around the church having confession
several times a day and visions. She claims that an angel speaks to
her and has given her a mission but she doesn't know what it is yet.
If you ask me, anyone who goes to confession all day every day needs
to be seen by a psychiatrist. By the time Joan is 19, people know her
very well. France is still fighting England and according to French
folklore a maiden from Laurens will lead the French army to victory.
Well that fits Joan to a "T'
Joan demands an audience with the would be king Charles VII after picking
him out of a crowd, he is impressed enough to grant her the audience.
He gives her an Army, which she leads to victory, securing him on the
thrown then his turns his back on her and allows the English to toast
her.
The Digest
Two and one half hours. That's how long this movie was and I can tell
you that after 90 minutes I wanted to be burned at the stake.
I was like, "just burn her already so I can go home." Prior to watching
this movie, I really dug ole Joanie. I thought she was cool. If I were
to use this film to get a clear picture of who Joan was, I'd say she
was completely nuts. To me, this film showed her to be a weird religious
fanatic who had one too many magic mushrooms. Seriously. Joanie was OFF.
I don't mean to offend anyone, but The English and The French were
nasty. Dental Hygiene was not a primary concern. How can you kiss someone
with black and rotten teeth?!?!? One soldier was going to kill a prisoner
for his grill (grill is slang for teeth). Eewww! But I don't blame him!
I was like, "Steal the grill - Steal the grill! Go 'head on and get you some new teeth." And the "fashions"!
The French women used to shave their hair halfway back. So they had
this big huge cranium staring at you. And the table manners! They had
bowls and spoons but would still eat off the table. I can only imagine
how funky they were.
As far as the movie goes, I was more than irritated that 90% of the
cast didn't even try to be authentic. John Malkovich played King
Charles and he didn't even attempt an accent. He could have at least
called his son "Lou-wee" the French pronunciation of Louis instead of
"Lou-is" Here he is, The King of France sounding like he just left Kansas
for the first time in his life. The same with Dustin Hoffman. Faye Dunaway
was the only one who was halfway believable.
The Directive
At any rate, this movie was too dang long for it not to be awesome.
2 and 1/2 hours is a long time to sit through crap.
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