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Copyright 1999 3BlackChicks Enterprises™. All Rights Reserved.


The Diva's
"Universal Soldier- The Return" Review

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Children, sometimes in life what is said in a thesis can be said in a sentence. This is one of those times. I could go on and on about this film when all I really need to do is give you 3 words.

THIS MOVIE SUCKED make that 6 words... A WHOLE LOT

Oh! I almost forgot! While I have your attention, let me right here and right now make an apology to Kevin Costner. Remember when I said that the biggest con ever perpetrated on Hollywood was convincing "them" that Kevin could act? I stand so so so so corrected. The biggest con is not that Kevin can act, but that Dennis Rodman can act. Yes, children, Dennis has been spotted. He has an upcoming movie called "Simon Sez" this movie looks way worse than the movie I was there to see. Dennis in all his glory, running around trying to save some "hit up" [From Bams' Blacktionary- Hit-up (hit up) adj ugly. To appear to have been hit by the ugly stick.] chick. They even had love scenes. Do you know how painful that was to watch, even for 10 seconds? The image is burned in my cornea and I'm forever changed because of it. For the love of God and all things sacred and Holy...Keep that man off of the big screen!

Okay, on to the movie.

Me and the 11 other people in the theater (including the guy that was in army fatigues and showing off his gun skills. What the hell was that about? December 29th I'm going in the house and I'm not coming out until January 9th. people are the Y2K bug) wasted 1 hour 47 minutes and 27 seconds of our lives. I don't want the time back. It's vile and depraved now. Even my husband threw his hands up in the air in disgust. And he was the target audience. In all fairness it's not as bad as I was expecting. There were a few good action scenes. There were also a few funny lines. And Michael Jai White was looking nice without a shirt on and Jean-Claudia is still cute as button with his non-acting self and that's about it.

Here's the deal: The government has created a "Super Soldier" or the so-called Universal Soldier one that can withstand almost any attack. Thus saving actual humans from ever having to go to war. Luc Devereaux (Van Damme) is a version 1 Universal Soldier. He was killed in Vietnam and rejuvenated into a Universal Soldier and some how along the way he became human again. ( I missed Universal Soldier 1, so I'm not clear on how he became human and they don't cover that ground in Universal 2)

Now the "gubmint" has gone on to create a version 2. Version 2 is tougher than Version 1 could ever hope to be. Luc is there in a advisory position. Or maybe he was a trainer. Who knows?

Seth (Michael Jai White) is the super computer that runs everything. He over hears that the "gubmint" is going to kill the program and he is not having it. He wakes up all the Universal Soldiers and they take over the facility. Their goal is to get some code from Luc that will enable them to live beyond 8 hours.

This is pretty the entire movie, folks. There are the obligatory naked female scenes. A few funny lines, a fight scene or two that leave a whole to be desired and then thankfully, it's over.

Maybe Van Damme needs to put out an exercise tape or something.

I would suggest that you use this film solely as a form of torture.

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Copyright Kamal "The Diva" Larsuel-Ulbricht, 1999
EMAIL: thediva@3blackchicks.com
ICQ: 8690410

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More 3 Black Chicks...™ review(s) for this week:
(movies released on 8/20/99):

The Diva's reviews:
"Universal Soldier-The Return"

Bams' reviews:
"Introducing Dorothy Dandridge" | "Mickey Blue Eyes"

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